Donīt leave me Designer

I don't know what I should think now. Until yesterday everything was fine.

Is he really just using me? I mean, he is my best friend. And I really do like to sleep over at his place. In his arms. It's the place in the world I feel safe. Yeah this sounds cheesy but it just the truth. But do friends do that? Sleep in each others arms, together in one bed? Or is it crossing a line? Until yesterday I just thought it was OK, because sometimes he asked if I wanted to sleep over, and sometimes I asked. So I thought we were both comfortable with it. And that he must want it, like it, he wouldn't ask me if not. So we were perfectly fine with the arrangement.

That was until I talked to Vivi. She said she was afraid of him using me. Using me like just thinking about me as ANY GIRL, not his best friend which I am! Just to have a girl in his arms, because he knows, I would never say no to him, so he feels even more hot than he actually is. Yeah and worst is that I've been having a crush on him for four years now. I just accepted that there would never be more, and really I like where we are in our friendship. But I say yes to him because he makes me feel safe, makes me feel like nobody could hurt me.

I've been thinking about talking to him about that, but it's so hard to even get up the courage to do that. I mean, I am afraid he could get me wrong. Two years ago our friendship almost died because of a misunderstanding like that.

I guess we'll see.

It also hurts when he's talking to other girls.

He once asked me if it bothers me, and I said No. What else could I have said without bringing my feelings to the surface?

There's this girl. Janna. She's totally his type. Long blonde hair (he always has a thing for blondes, btw I have curly dark hair.), and pretty. I know he thinks she's hot, but on the other hand, he wouldn't start something serious, because he also flirted with her other girlfriend, and i know for sure he would never tell Janna those secrets he told me.

They're like just girls to show off. I don't know. 

5.3.09 19:37


Well here it is

There are often things I feel uncomfortable talking about. Especially when those things are feelings. I don't know who I can trust with telling them. So I decided now to just write down everything I feel, everything that seems important to me. To never forget. So here I go.

5.3.09 19:19


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